What I'm thinking about these days.
My girls are home, and things fall pretty much right back to where they were in an instant.
Lindsey is homeschooling Anna, in between locking her out of her room.
Callie looks just a little bit taller, and seems just a little bit older, in the homestretch to thirteen.
Today is Tim's birthday, so we hung the banner at breakfast, made pancakes, and sent him on his way to a meeting, while we plan some surprises.
::
I'm struggling with something, and I think maybe some of you can relate. I feel comfortable with and proud of the homelife we're making here for these kids: a little bit slower than some, maybe; no-tv, good homecooked food, lots of free-time, not so many electronics and plastic and commercial entertainment. Some of these choices are born out of economic necessity, but honestly, we would keep making most of the same ones, even if we won the lottery.
But, I find that I spend so much time on the busy-work of creating that home, that perhaps I end up missing a key element. What's the difference if I'm making their dinner from scratch, if I'm too tied up to sit down on the floor with them and draw? What's the difference if I've made
a pretty, little, cozy house for us to live in, but I'm always after them about making a mess? And as much as our world (all of us parents' world) is child-centered (a term I don't like, but you know what I mean...), I still really need a line to be drawn between parenting-time and parent-time. Balancing their need to be nurtured and cared for, with our need for time to be ourselves and by ourselves, is one of the trickiest feats I've met yet. And then the flip-side to that is: how do you let them go enough to give yourself a break, and still keep them safe and feeling secure?
Anyway, I've just been thinking about things lately, because we live such a strange existence here, in blended-family land, in the summer. Sometimes we have long stretches with just one child, with lots of night-time a deux. Then we're a family of five for a while, then six, then eight. It forces and/or enables me to examine how things work, or don't work, with a fresh pair of eyes, again and again.
I don't really have a point, but I do have a keyboard. So there it is. I'd love to hear what you all think, if you feel this way about things, and how you manage it all.
More tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
tt
ps::I love to hear from you, but if I haven't ever gotten back to you before, please leave me your e-mail address with your comment. Blogger makes it hard to just hit the "reply" button and send an e-mail. Thanks!
posted by Tara Thayer at
9:55 AM
9 Comments:
i don't have much to add, but i can totally relate to this post. i think about it all the time.
your photos are super nice today.
I think about this often, too. Four little girls here, and always too much to do. It's not a pretty house these days, and it's chaotic much of the time. (Photos would look like a parody of yours, I think.) I almost always choose drawing on the floor (mostly on paper, rather than directly on the wood!) over cleaning (although cooking is a priority). As far as letting them go but still having then feel safe, I think that they almost do it naturally when there are so many of them. So when all is quiet because they are entertaining each other, I grab a few moments. I can't keep on top of them every minute...And non-mommy time is a rare and precious thing these days, but a book, a DVD, or knitting usually get priority over housework, too, for my own sanity. For what it's worth, I'm guessing that if you have all those happy healthy girls, and you feel so content in your own circumstances, then you are doing something right.
Coming from a family as the oldest of 7 children, and now at home with 5, the most important moments are the memories.
As a child, I do not remember the messy rooms, the dust on the blinds or the dishes piled in the sink longer than they should have been...only the times spent together, eating and laughing around the table, reading books together, playing baseball in the park, and taking late night drives to watch shooting stars!
I try to make sure those memories are in place for my children as well. I used to get frustrated also but have learned that the laundry isn't going anywhere. It'll be waiting for me tomorrow.
Those tiny little girls begging me to color or make cookies with them? They are what matters today.
we are mostly us three, but sometimes we are five. and what i have struggled most with is how i feel about the two who make us five. in the beginning, it was really hard and very nearly a relationship-breaker. it felt like punishment. and while it doesn't feel that way anymore, it is hard. mostly because my expectations towards the big girls are so different from the ones towards "my" own girl...there are a lot of complex feelings mixed in. but at the same time, i'm lucky because the big girls are nice girls and love and are loved wholeheartedly by their little sister...which makes it all easier.
i know that's not exactly what you were getting at, but that's what your post made me think of...
we all struggle and wonder if we're getting it right. from what i see here, you are definitely getting it right.
and now i'm off to throw out the t.v.
xox,
/j
though personally I don't have children, I sat for many years with a sister that had an extended family. i struggled with an outsider point of view of when the son came in for the summer with much attention and money spent on him at the expense of my sister's children and resented it. who was he to take away from my loved ones..but then I realized what was his expense was the bitter divorce of his parents and how his expense was his father's attention when my loved ones got daily doses of daddy's love. I realized the money was just paying off in guilt what daily love could not give him. So I understand that. I can't imagine how difficult that must be.
but yes, I agree that parents need time to stay connected and in love with each other so that they can model good relationships to their children. I think my brother and his wife have a good balance of that. Plus the fact that I love coming in and spending time with his girls. It's a win-win. The girls get a doting aunt, the parents get a date night and everyone is happy.
And yes, in 100 years it wouldn't matter that your house was clean and tidy - but, your children will remember that mommy always sat down and colored with them. The two main stories I tell about my mom was the amount of chores she made me do....and the times that she sat and colored with me when I was sick.
I am constantly thinking those same thoughts. I have made (what seems an often strange choice) of choosing to work a couple of days a week, all in the name of adult time. Time for me to be myself, and yet, I think like many mothers that work, the guilt, and the see-sawing between the right-ness and the wrong-ness of the choice is constant. Life may be easier without the work, but less satisfying? I don't honestly know. And more balancing acts, between time for them, and not letting the house slip into such a state we all feel mad. Time and priorities I guess. I think your blog is really lovely. I have 3 super great children, and so, I take my hat your family of 8!
With my husband home this summer, we are struggling constantly with our priorities. He thinks that the boys should "play" with him all the time, while they want their own space and time with their friends. I get this, but he is having a hard time. He missed the boys growing up because he was working so hard and doesn't realize how independent they are now. It's a bit easier now than it was two months ago...but it is still a work in progress.
I like how you phrased the parent-time, parenting-time. So get it.
wonderful, thoughtful comments posted here to respond to your question. I kept that tidy, styled home when my girls were little....until I read one daughter's school essay that proclaimed the home of a friend- all messy & jumbled - her favorite place to be. For that very reason, it was relaxed, friendly, welcoming. Ours is less self-conscious now too and we love it all the more for that freedom to live in it- as we are.
love your blog and beautiful photographs.
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