we took a walk today, and it was very cold, and very sunny, but my boots got soaked through, because i do not have proper snow boots anymore. and anna. well...anna alternates between flitting across snowy fields waving her arms and singing, and dragging her thirty-some-odd pounds across muddy shale paths because she can.not.walk.any.more.

oy.

::

when i was in college i wore bean boots almost exclusively. to class, to parties, with dresses, with pajamas. i felt invincible. i could go where i needed to and get where i was going. these are on my christmas list. they may be the only thing.

::

when tim and i were first together, we had five children: three of them were anna's age now. two were younger. we talked a little about it this weekend, in the context of not being able to conceive of having three of anna at once. plus.

but we did. bathtime. oh.my. dinner. wintertime, trying to get them out the door to school, or to play? how? did.we.do.it? bedtime. bedtime songs times five.

we've started to talk to anna a little about how it was, before her. we told her about when we lived in the cottage, with her sisters, and they all slept in one room, and we would lie in bed with them and sing them a song, one by one.

tim could never remember the words to "winter wonderland", so when his girls picked that one, i would always have to be the one to sing it to them. it felt like they were giving me a gift: they were choosing me (in a roundabout way) to sing their song.

i often worry now about being "present" with the kids, but maybe, i'm too "present". it's all about the here and now. reacting to what is happening in the very moment we are living.

i think there are some things i should remember.

goodnight. thanks for reading.

tt