Eyeblog :: Eyebuzz Fine Art, Tarrytown

2010-03-08T16:58:00.000-05:00

hi.

a few signs of spring are here, though there is still so much snow left that the sidewalks are blocked in many places around town.
i worry that when all the snow has melted, we may find much of the first little sprouts and blooms didn't make it. but maybe they will. sometimes the things that seem so frail and delicate turn out to be quite hardy.

tim and anna worked in the garden on sunday, and i walked around and took pictures. my dad calls this "supervising". as in, he wasn't just sitting there watching us all decorate the tree every christmas, he was supervising. it makes me smile inside to remember him saying this.

in the summer, our yard and our garden and our porch become the most often used spaces we have. it's hard to picture that now, with the garbage and recycling bins pulled up closer to the house, and the collection of bikes standing frozen in time until spring comes, and the porch chairs all huddled together to keep from getting in the way of the weather. frankly, it looks more like a forlorn yard sale than anything else.

soon, though. soon.

::

i stumbled across this the other day, and was entranced by the photos. i can't wait for some spare time to come my way so i can read through what they have to say.

also, i've been compiling a list of places in brooklyn to visit with tim's mom, once the weather warms up. i might share that here soon, and ask for some of your suggestions.

::

ok. that's all for now. i hope there's a little bit of spring where you are.
tt

2010-03-07T08:36:00.000-05:00

just because.

enjoy sunday.
tt

2010-03-05T10:42:00.000-05:00

hi.
this is a good morning.
there's a little bit of sun...not much, and not warming, but even so. it lifts the mood.
all of the big girls went off to school. we've been having some trouble with one of them in that department, but she finally went, too.
there was some leftover broccoli rabe to put in my omelet. fantastic.
tim clipped some branches from the downed lilac and put them on the table for me. there are a few buds, so maybe we'll force a bloom or two.
there's a group of youngish parents walking by our house. i don't know them, but they have several little babies and toddlers and they are all laughing. it's such a happy scene, all of a sudden, playing out in front of my window.
anna keeps drawing and drawing, picture after picture: houses and trees and smiling girls and cats with long tails and sunshiney blue skies. i'm so comforted by her view of the world.
i'm daydreaming of wearing spring clothes and my new shoes. i know it's too soon for that, but it's a nice thing to look forward to.
and this weekend might warm up a bit around here. maybe enough for some clean-up in the yard. tim and i are talking about what we might plant this year. he said something about broccoli rabe.

best wishes for a warm happy weekend in your part of the world.
tt

2010-03-04T09:41:00.008-05:00

my twelve year old self
was in my dream last night.
my grown up self could see her
and hear her
and watch her.
i saw myself exactly as i had been,
much clearer than i actually remember
myself at that age
when i am awake
and i try to remember these things.

this morning i wondered
about why i had this dream.
they usually make sense
if you think about it.
something during the day
reminded you of something else
but you didn't let your thoughts
go all the way there.
so it comes back later
when you're dreaming.

but this time
i don't think it's quite
so linear.

i think maybe
my twelve year old self
was trying to remind me
of what i felt
and who i was.

because i have these girls,
and they look at me
and see mommy.
and i look at them and feel
like mommy.

but maybe at this point
i need to look at them
and remember
what it felt like
to be a girl.

last night in my dream
my grown up self
looked very closely
at my twelve year old self,
and i remember thinking
that i missed her.

more tomorrow. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-03-03T16:00:00.000-05:00

by the looks of these pictures, it's spring in my house.
that's extra funny because i took these over the last several days with a snow storm ripping limbs down outside and a pile of wet snow gear the size of a vw bug in my front hall. i didn't take a picture of that, though.

i know i said i was moving on. but as i travel through town, and walk around my neighborhood, it's really disheartening to see all of the tree damage that was done by the storm. it wasn't that it was a big wind; the snow was just so heavy, it took down all sorts of beautiful old trees and hedges. we've lost much of the japanese maple that stands in our front yard, quite a few boxwood hedges, and a large part of one of the lilac trees. also, the big stand of forsythia that serves as a complete privacy screen on one side of our porch is all broken. tim thinks it will grow back quickly, but perhaps not in time for this spring or summer.

i know i said i was moving on. but as i look at these pictures-that last one is from the first night of the storm, when what was essentially a three day block party commenced-i realize that the things i was stressed about were so very minor. and that the wealth of friends and community and resources that we have is truly remarkable. or, perhaps not.

and that is what i keep thinking about. how lucky we are - all of us - to live where we live and to have what we have. and to have each other. i'm sure what happened in our neighborhood-the support and camaraderie that cradled us when we needed help-happened again and again in neighborhoods all over town. and in your town, too, during times of trouble.

i keep thinking about people who have lost so much more than a cherished lilac tree, or a refrigerator full of food. who have worries more acute than whether their pipes will freeze.

and on a day where i feel overwhelmed by laundry and mama-worry, i wonder how i could possibly help anyone else ouside of these six girls. i feel that i couldn't do anything that would really matter. but that's not true, is it? i'm not sure what i'm getting at. i don't know what i could do. i certainly don't want to sound preachy. it's just what i've been thinking about.

i feel lucky. don't you?
tt

2010-03-02T11:31:00.003-05:00

some good stuff today::

six quarts of homemade broth put by.
macaroons in the cookie jar.
sister to sister piano lessons.
wearing a skirt for the first time in over a week.
film to be picked up.
johnny cash on npr. listening to his voice is kind of heartbreaking.
a new stack of the new yorker from tim's mom.
catnip mice.
rivulets of melting snow.
the promise that march brings.

more tomorrow. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-03-01T20:34:00.001-05:00

i've written and re-written a post about our snowstorm five times over.
i'm over it.
we got snowed in. a tree fell on our wires, wires fell across our driveway, and we love our friends.
we had some stress, but we had a lot of fun. we had a sleepover.

i will forever remember these last few, sort of difficult days, as being some of the best we've had.

moving on now. see you tomorrow.
tt

2010-02-25T08:52:00.000-05:00

well, hi.
i was awakened at 5:30 am this morning by two things: an orange kitten who thought that every time i moved my foot under the covers i was inviting her to play, and, a phone call informing us that the kids around here were to report to school today for approximately two and a half hours. and then come home. and most likely stay home tomorrow, too.

ok, so i've got some cooking to do. i'm a compulsive stocker-upper in case of a snow day, but this one took me by surprise. no one's going to go hungry around here, but i will have to get a little creative.

that's ok, i like a challenge.

in the meantime, these are a few of the color film photos i took around the house yesterday.

enjoy the day! the snow is so pretty here, right now.
tt

2010-02-24T19:35:00.000-05:00

hi.
i've been playing around with film. i took two entire rolls today; one black + white, one color.

these look so dark to me...but i do like them anyway. each of them is a small piece of my day.

today was one of those days where i spend about three hours in the afternoon driving back and forth and to and fro and all around town picking up and dropping off and picking up, again. so i was able to also drop off and pick up some film, too.

i do love the look of film, and i love the click of the shutter, and i love (is this odd?) the anticipation of it. digital feeds right into my compulsive nature: i can take a shot-i can take seven!-and then get rid of the ones not quite right. i can do it again. i can do it again, right that very minute.

but...
i'm finding i so like to slow it down. let myself off the hook of getting it perfect, and just taking a leap of faith that my eye will be clear and my hand steady.

so...
i need to say out loud and emphatically that i do not consider myself a photographer. i find myself in increasingly good company, being inspired and encouraged by people who blow me away with their every picture. i am, for lack of a better term, green.

but, i also can say with utmost happiness and truth, that i have not been as excited about anything since learning to cook, having babies, and falling in love.

and that's really something.

more (color film) tomorrow. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-23T09:40:00.001-05:00

little failures:
{the other list}

.not doing yoga with anna every morning, despite repeated, adorable requests.
.lacking any self-discipline in the following areas: everything bagels with cream cheese, cornichons, sweetart hearts, black tea, homemade pizza, red wine, cinnamon rolls, hot sauce, cookie dough, new tea towels, replaying the same cd over and over, cookbooks, and flickr. i could go on, but...
.ignoring, flat-out ignoring, the mounting pile on my desk.
.driving the car across the street the other night for dinner. (tim's shaking his head right now.)
.not scheduling a mammogram yet.
.being too lenient with the girls about staying home "sick".
.not being lenient enough about making messes.
.perennially forgetting my nieces' and nephews' birthdays.
.rarely finishing the book for book club (although this time , no problem.)

alrighty, then. i think that's just about enough of that.

more tomorrow. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-22T13:57:00.003-05:00

small achievements:
{promises to myself i've made and kept lately}

.writing a letter that needed to be written.
.reading every night.
.getting a good nights' sleep, which means knowing when to walk away from the computer, put down the book.
.walking anna to school.
.waiting a bit before i intervene in the girls' quarrels.
.looking at the things that stress me out with a cold eye.
.stopping what i'm doing when someone is talking to me.
.laughing at myself. a little.

and, last but not least,

.making granola, finally. i've had the ingredients for a while, and never followed through.
the recipe i used is here, found via heather this morning.

yeah, there's a longer list of what i haven't done. but i like this one better.

more tomorrow. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-21T20:11:00.002-05:00

so, a good sunday.

anna and i, alone this morning, eating warm cinnamon buns and painting with watercolors. i have a stack of spring catalogs and some daffodils on my table, and i'm getting in the mood for spring.

then a visit with the best sort of friends; anna got to stay and play with her friend, i got a nice long walk with mine.

a burst of energy in the afternoon, and the girls' room all fancied up for their arrival back home from skiing. what fresh sheets and a good vacuuming can do is a lot.

an invitation to dinner across the street, and a conversation that prompted a really good discussion back at home. the girls never cease to amaze me with their ability to really get things. and then make me laugh about things, too.

now some tea, reading, and early to sleep; back to school tomorrow. i can't say i'm eager, but i am ready. i hope the girls are, too.

best wishes to you on this sunday night. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-20T20:30:00.001-05:00

i feel so fully that i am in the middle of something i can't control, but am lucky to be a part of.

the john lennon quote that "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" keeps scrolling across my thoughts like a jenny holzer piece.

and i don't think it's supposed to be any other way. if it wasn't complicated and beautiful and difficult and funny and painful and frustrating and sweet, i'm pretty sure it wouldn't be quite as good.

don't worry. i'll be ok.

more tomorrow. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-19T18:16:00.002-05:00

ok.
so is it alright to post these photos together just because i like them?

is it ok to say that i've loved being home with the girls this week, doing nothing much of anything, and saying yes every chance i get?

i know it's ok to tell you that i love my kids just so.very.much.
but how about if i admit how much i love the cats, too?
and certainly you don't want to hear about how i still crumble, a little, at the thought of tim.

i miss houses that i've lived and and stayed in. i think about them often. i can remember the smell of the cutting boards, or the sound the drawers made, or the movements required to get butter from fridge to counter and reach for a knife.

sometimes still, when i wake up in the middle of the night, i for a split second might imagine i'm in some other room, in some other house.

we've hung bells on the doors, so we can hear people come and go, but we rarely lock our doors.

except at night, during which i often lay awake listening to every sound.

i feel the need to be alone frequently, but i am very rarely alone. this is not a complaint, so much as an observation. i wonder how i would feel if i were alone often. maybe i would be lonely.

i've been completely lacking motivation lately to clean and tidy up the house. laundry stays unfolded. dishes get hand washed because i'm too lazy to unload the dishwasher. some days i go to get the mail, look at it standing in the driveway, and then put it back in the mailbox to deal with it some other day.

and yet, today, i was overcome by an impulse to clean, and organize, and move furniture, and put on something pretty. tim came home and looked around and said "you must be tired."

i felt more like myself than i have in a long time.

i feel like i'm very far from my own thoughts, lately. which may seem strange, given all the navel gazing that goes on around here. but definitely things are moving and shifting inside of me, and soon, i'll know which way to go next.

is it ok to say that i'm not really sure what i'm doing, but i like being here, so i'm sticking with it?

ok then,
i'm really grateful to any of you out there listening.
thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-17T11:46:00.000-05:00

hi.
i'm a little bashful, but pleased to tell you about something fun, today.

catherine, from the beautiful french blog parismages, is posting a series about taking photographs of home and everyday life. she asked me a few questions, which you can read, here.

the previous interview is with amanda from mocking bird, who has just wonderful photographs, as well as a nice little q & a last week with one of my favorite flickr friends, brian ferry. you can read that post, here.

all this photography inspiration is encouraging me to keep trying film. these are two recent experiments...i took the same shots with both cameras (color film + digital), and i have to say, i like them both ways.

ok, then. that's all for now. hope you have a great day!
tt

2010-02-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

there is the softest, loveliest snow falling now,
and i am calm and steady this morning,
even though i barely slept
last night;
i lay awake,
worrying and wondering,
and listening for the sound
the night air makes
just before it starts
to snow.

tt

2010-02-15T19:50:00.002-05:00

nothing to say.
i just like these pictures.
they are soft,
and still,
and home.

goodnight. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-14T19:31:00.000-05:00

we've had a lot of good days together.
i think that's what makes life so sweet...not having the perfect day, all the time. but the sum total of all of those in-between, just regular days adding up to so much more than the grand events, the elaborate gestures, the milestones.

in a few years we will say, perhaps, do you remember that day we drove up to garrison, because we didn't have time to go any further, and the river was frozen, and anna ate the whole jar of walnuts?

or maybe we'll say, do you remember when you took anna sledding at sundown and she came back so proud of herself? wasn't that on valentine's day?

or,
maybe,
we'll say,

that was a hard february. that was the year your father died.

but in any event,
we will remember some days,
and forget some.
we'll have some good days, and bad days, and great days.
not a one will be perfect, though.

and in the end,
the days will add up to so much more,
and we will remember them all,
because they will all
be right there,
a part of who we are.

happy valentine's day. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-13T10:37:00.002-05:00

saturday morning.
bread is rising.
tim is drawing.
anna is playing.
big girls are sleeping.

i've begun reading a book that stays in my head even when i'm away from it. it's been a while since that's happened, and i am so glad to have the sensation of bringing the story with me as i move through my day. it's a familiar thing to me; i think since i was a kid, the voice of the book i'm reading would occupy my thoughts next to my own. does that happen to you, or am i just odd?

and, would you think a led zeppelin song an odd choice for a snowy february morning?

enjoy the day! thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-12T18:19:00.002-05:00

well, hi.
today was the first real day of our winter break. we did have some surprise days off with the snow this week, too, so it's all blended together to become one long hiatus in the middle of winter.
i don't think i could be happier about it.

we assemble and reassemble ourselves into various family units here, at different times of the day, days of the week, weeks of the year. this is one of the handful of weeks that we become a family of five: just my three girls and tim and i.

it's funny, because as much as i long for time spent one-on-three with my daughters, i recognize that it stopped feeling normal so long ago. normal is not just we three, or four, or five. normal is all eight of us.

all of us may not = easy. but it is-especially when they are all asleep and the front light is on, the doors are shut, and a new day is waiting at the end of a good nights' sleep-what feels right.

in the meantime, i have a long stretch of time now to pay some good sweet attention to my girls. and when "break" is over, there will still be plenty more to go around.

more tomorrow. thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-11T11:52:00.001-05:00

thank you to everyone for all of the kind comments and thoughtful e-mails about my last post.
i've decided not to put them on the page...i might have closed comments, i suppose, but i'm not sure how to do that. please know that i've passed along all of your warm wishes to tim, and that we appreciate every one of them. it is one of the remarkable things about this little world we've made here, that i truly feel comforted knowing that all of you are out there thinking about us during a sad time. thank you so very much.

and,

thank you, also, to the remarkably kind friend who did this for me. you brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face, and i can't stop thinking about those words. i do wish you would reveal yourself, so i can thank you properly!

so, that's all for now. there's a little girl who is putting her snow gear back on. time to play.

best wishes. and thanks.
tt

2010-02-10T19:18:00.002-05:00

hi.
as you can see, we got our snowstorm.
and something else, too.

tim's father died yesterday morning. it was not expected, and he was only seventy-six years old.

he was a good, kind man, and we are all very sad. tim is very sad. but we had just spent a week with him in december, and so that seems like a small gift, now. a great gift.

i'm not going to try to draw some profound conclusion here. to pontificate, as my mother would say. but i will say that if i thought every conversation with the people i love might be the last, i would definitely end every one by saying i love you.

thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-08T20:33:00.002-05:00

hi.
the sun came out this afternoon.
it's not that it's been so completely grey here, but today, i just really needed some sun.
i needed to go out in the sun.

tim came home in the afternoon and we left the kids and walked around the neighborhood. we looked at houses and things we hadn't really noticed before. we did not talk about the kids. he held my hand.

i don't know if i've mentioned it before (ahem), but we have six girls in our family. three of them are thirteen. one of them is four. all of them are together everyday. and all of them have incredibly strong and distinct personalities.

to say that we are outnumbered would be fair. exasperated. exhausted. consumed. you get the picture.

so it's interesting to me how much a walk around the neighborhood with tim, a little afternoon sunshine, a few beautiful details that make me stop and look closer at something...can really make all the difference in my day. can change the word scrolling through my head from overwhelmed to abundance.

some days you just need to go out in a little afternoon sunshine.

and,
i hear birds in the morning, now. do you?

thanks for reading.
tt

2010-02-06T19:41:00.002-05:00

we thought we would get snowed in.
we stocked up, and were ready.
but it's not happening, they say.
so we could go out,
each our own way.
things went off without a hitch.
dates were kept and
errands were run.
the kids quarrelled,
(unnecessarily so, if you ask me),
and tim went to work,
a steady stream into and
out of the gallery,
today.
he could even
grill our dinner
outside
in the driveway
with his coat on.

i was hoping to be snowed in.
to have an out
for so many things.

it was a good day.
it just wasn't the day
i had expected.

enjoy sunday, all.
tt

2010-02-04T20:34:00.003-05:00

hi.

this is a busy week and i don't have a lot to say. but i do miss being here, so...

i've been having a hard time taking a decent picture this week. i definitely think it's because i'm rushed and distracted, and also because i'm not really getting out, much. too much time at the computer and the stove.

but then- these two, i like. and i certainly didn't have to go far for either. one right in my back yard, and one waiting right next to me, to be done doing something important.

tomorrow will be different. tomorrow i will pick my head up and see what's around me.

::

and,
i can't stop looking at this photo by heather.

::

goodnight.
tt